There was a point when I felt like my life path was always waiting for me, like that mini-game with digging for treasure in Mario Party, and I was lucky enough to be uncovering what was always there. With Arabic, the Egypt trip and working at Amnesty, I felt confident in my direction, if not my skills. I had a great answer anytime someone asked what I was up to, and in my daily life I felt like I was stretching, learning and adding to the conversation.
Then I came home and Andrew and I broke up. I started working and trying to recover from losing not only Andrew but some of my closest friends. I moved in with some strangers, and tried (and failed) to get back to where I used to be with my freshman year friends, and the great new people they had acquired in the meantime. That of course only served to remind me that they all live together and I lived with strangers. UNA was a constant source of negativity, although many would argue that I was that source. And finally, I got a poor review from Amnesty that I wasn’t expecting at all.
That leaves a lot of things up in the air, like human rights and nonprofit as a career choice, as well as the basic people I spend my time with.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with where I live, whether I go on coop in the fall or spring, traveling, or even writing this blog. I had wanted to try for an international coop at the Arab League this spring, but now I’m questioning my wherewithal to live alone in Cairo for six months. I don’t know if my tutoring job is waiting for me, though it probably is, and I have no idea what to do about UNA. I miss the debate and the camaraderie (when it was there), but I don’t know if there’s a place for me there anymore. Even if there is a place, that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. For a long time people on both sides of the aisle have been wondering why I’m wasting my time, but I have yet to determine if that premise is true.
So that’s where I am today. It’s a grey day in Cuba and I’m 21 years old and I have no clue what I’m doing with my life, or even with my time here. It’s not pretty, succinct or resolved; it’s just today.